There is a deep, burning sadness in the center of my chest. Hurting immeasurably. Burning and burning and burning. Like never before. I’ve never felt so alone. I’ve never felt such a painful sadness.

I don’t understand it. Why do I feel this way?


Hi. I really like spending time with you. I like your wit and the way you think. You’re so mysterious and I’m so curious to know what goes on in your head. I want to know how you perceive the world and how you think. I’m never going to tell you this. But this is what goes on in my head when I’m with you.

Weights Upon my Shoulders

  • Difficulty speaking up in class
  • Irrational fear of public speaking
  • Not knowing what to say in many circumstances
  • Trouble finding the words to say during formal and informal conversations (meetings, emails, networking small groups)
  • Taking on a client/project that I’m extremely unqualified to do
  • Being lazy and not doing my work
  • Criticisms of how my face looks “intimidating” and makes me seem like a “megabitch”
  • My desire to be alone causing others to think I’m unapproachable or unfriendly
  • My current state of boy-craziness and wanting to be in a relationship
  • My lack of knowledge
  • My lack of understanding
  • My hardening heart


I’m suffocating. The constant meetings, the endless texts, the looming emails, the tired face-to-faces, the plastered smiles, the meaningless talk. I’m so tired. Mentally, physically, spiritually. My only escape is in my head, in my thoughts, in my dreams. The moments where I can pretend that time has stopped and I can be alone with the Lord are the ones that I cherish the most.

I’m so tired. It’s so difficult to keep on going each and every day. It’s so tiring constantly having to worry about the day after the next.

I need to remind myself of many things….

19 “Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moths and vermin destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. 20 But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moths and vermin do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. 21 For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.

22 “The eye is the lamp of the body. If your eyes are healthy,[c] your whole body will be full of light. 23 But if your eyes are unhealthy,[d] your whole body will be full of darkness. If then the light within you is darkness, how great is that darkness!

24 “No one can serve two masters. Either you will hate the one and love the other, or you will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and money.

Do Not Worry

25 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life[e]?

28 “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29 Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30 If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? 31 So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Matthew 6:19-34

I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.

-John 16:33

Cast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous fall.

-Psalm 55:22

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of others.

-Philippians 2:3-4

Deja Vu

It’s less than a week from the start of my junior year, and things are different.

I still feel the same anxiety, dread, and worry about the overwhelming workload and unpredictable stresses. I still feel the same deep desire to run away from all my problems and my loved ones by cutting off all communication, physically and mentally withdrawing, and submersing myself into my inner reality. I still have this underlying fear of the pain that lies ahead.

Yet…despite this, I have a growing excitement and hope that outshines it all. There is the…

Faith in a sovereign God who plans all things for my good, making me more like Christ each and every day.

Love of a Savior who redeemed me by His grace, who teaches me how to love others like He loved me.

Peace in knowing that this earthly life is temporary, and that there’s a magnificent kingdom awaiting me for eternity.

Every day, if I get caught up in these narrow-focused worries, I just need to remind myself of his faithfulness in it all. Can i get an amen?

Sometimes, I forget that the absence of things is a blessing in itself.

The absence of worry, anxiety, stress, and fear, disappearing in the presence of peace.

The absence of drama among friends, conflict with another person, turmoil in one’s heart towards an enemy.

The absence of hatred, anger, and bitterness, overflowing with love instead.

The absence of heartbreak and of loss, but one of contentment and joy.

These are just a few things I really take for granted.

Ways to Improve Sharing Your Testimony

  • Talk more about HOW GOD CHANGED YOU rather than entirely focusing on who you were before
  • Emphasize the joy, peace, and tranquility he’s given you and how it wasn’t your work

Your Testimony

  1. BEFORE:
    1. Background with grandparents and parents (China’s countryside –> China’s city –> United States)
      1. Upholding legacy of upward social mobility
    2. Chinese culture
      1. Emphasis on being the best and working hard ; family first and honoring your parents;
    3. Cut-throat and competitive high school (suburbs outside of DC) [#1 public high school in maryland, #24 high school in the country, CNNMoney listed it as the #1 most affluent town in the US; Forbes named it 7th most top-educated] [home to lots of CEOs, politicians, hedge funders] [22% asian, 9% black, 8.5% hispanic, 56.2% white (and high jewish population; didn’t even know they were a minority till I left)–majority educated, middle-upper class people] [everyone worked hard and played hard]
      1. Entitled, privileged mentality
      2. EITHER low self-esteem and never seeing self as good enough…OR proud and snobby attitude of thinking I was better than someone else
      3. 30 people from my class went to ivy leagues; 70 people went to top 30 schools (Uchicago, Stanford, UC berkeley, rice, etc) — always send around that many every year and it keeps getting more and more competitive
    4. Constantly playing the comparison game
      1. Not proud of coming to Carolina
      2. Best friends went to Princeton, WashU in St Louis, Harvard, Yale, UPenn, Duke, Vanderbilt
  2. DURING:
    1. Losing everything found self-worth and value in
      1. Grades, attractiveness, friends, family, boys attention, even how Christian I appeared
      2. Feeling condemned and rejected by Christians in the South because I didn’t fit a certain unspoken criteria
    2. Realizing not really a Christian and that I didn’t know Christ; genuinely reading Bible to find out who he was and praying to God that he may reveal himself to me
    3. Made God a priority; tried to make both him and my career a priority [wanted to go into Corporate Finance & Consulting]
    4. Being hurt and hazed in DSP (all the people I had admired and idolized and wanted to become like) –> realizing how their actions were out of self-interest, lack of compassion, ultimately looking out for self
      1. Realize how important it is in business to align yourself with someone with the same values, character, and mission/goal [i.e. social responsibility, environmental responsibility, glorifying God]
      2. Drove me towards healthcare where its inherently about caring about other people: 1) profit-driven for sustainability, but also 2) the patient experience, and providing affordable, quality, and accessible healthcare to everyone (comes down to human life’s worth)
    5. Realizing cannot balance both God and career at the center of your life, nor can you separate him from your professional life –> that God has to be number one in your life
  3. AFTER:
      1. Feeling truly loved and accepted
      2. UNCONDITIONAL love –> don’t have to do certain things to receive the love of God
      3. Peace and tranquility –> knowing God has a plan for me and he will provide; that this time on earth is temporary
        1. Being able to stop, enjoy beautiful weather outside, spend time with close friends and not feel like I’m wasting time by not studying or going to a networking session
        2. Less stress in everything I do
        3. Gave me courage to pursue what I’m passionate about — that I don’t have to worry about money because He will provide enough for me (hard rich man to enter the gates of heaven than pass camel through the eye of a needle)
      4. Overflowing with love and a constant joy
        1. Strongly desiring to share this peace with others; this feeling of love
        2. Seeing people as people (rather than evaluating them), treating everyone lovingly and never seeing them as less for not accomplishing as much

    Humbling me — I am no better than anyone else.

    1. Loving people first, giving people the benefit of the doubt
      1. When I experienced that condemnation/shunning/having people stop associating themselves with me, I felt so alone and the people who were supposed to love me didn’t
      2. Forgiving others cause He forgave me
    2. Asking God to lead me and show me what it looks like to glorify him on this Earth
      1. Difficulties with family; realizing that Mom hasn’t placed her trust in God and is still very self-dependent
    3. My thoughts are not your thoughts, my way is not your way
    4. Everything, all made possible, because Jesus loved me first. He proved this on the cross. He loves all of me, and I don’t need to do certain things or be a certain degree of attractiveness/intelligence/kindness/personability. I don’t need to send in a resume and cover letter to Jesus. I don’t need to prove myself to him. He loves me for me, despite how messed up I am. And it’s taken me a year and a half to say this, but I finally truly love Him too.