Depression and Anxiety

The voice

That tells you

Never to drive again

Because you got pulled over once

For speeding while in deep thought

The voice

That tells you

You are a criminal

Because you broke a law

One time

And got caught

By the police

The voice

That tells you

You are a living stereotype

Unable to break free

From a predestined fate

The voice

That tells you

You are a financial investment

With large negative returns

To your mother and father

The voice

That tells you

You are alone

And you have no friends

And you are not loved

Or cared for

The voice

That tells you

You are not beautiful

And not worthy

Of a relationship with a man

The voice

That tells you

You need to work out more

And optimize the most beauty you can

Out of your youth and what you have

Before its too late

The voice

That tells you

Settle for someone “weird”

Because you are not worthy

Of anyone “normal”

The voice

That tells you

You are imperfect

And therefore

Your life is not worth living

That is what

It’s like

To live

With the terrible twins

Depression

And Anxiety

To die young. Eternally remembered as someone with potential, never reaching the point of disappointment. How poetic.

“Smile more.”

“Talk more.”

“Laugh more.”

“Just be happy.”

Why can’t I be serious and stoic and quiet and introspective and sad? Leave me alone. Let me be.

It’s an extrovert’s world, and I’m just an introvert living in it.

Humble me.

Lord, humble my prideful and self-righteous heart. Let me own my mistakes and imperfections, rather than claiming I can and should reach perfection. Humble me. I am broken and weak and wholly human. I love you Lord, for laying your life down for me and for reminding me I am yours.

I pray all these in Jesus Christ’s holy name,

Amen.

Not quite free

Looking at myself in the mirror looking back at me. Do I like what I see?

Not so much.

I see the dark bruises underneath my eyes, rubbed raw by shirt sleeves wiping away tears and inked purple by many sleepless nights. I see the red speckles, sprinkled across my face — in the corners of my mouth, in the creases around my nose, emerging at the tip of my chin, cropping up across my forehead. I see the wrinkles crinkling my sun tanned forehead, writing the stress of relationships and schoolwork for the public to read. I see my dull, darkened eyes peering back at me, hiding the twisted turmoil within.

Depression has robbed me of my personality and character. Anxiety has robbed me of my joy and peace. It’s funny how those two go hand-in-hand. They dance a deathly and intertwined tango at my expense.

Who Am I?

Open-hearted. Open-minded. Flexible. Peaceful. Hardworking. Loving. Sweet. Compassionate. Understanding. Trustworthy. Thoughtful. Inquisitive. Adaptable. Open to change. Humble. Artistic. Creative.

Beautiful. Confident. Strong. Funny. Intelligent. Kind. Honorable. Virtuous. Principled. Moral. Affectionate. Altruistic. Idealistic. Passionate. Energetic. Dedicated.

Purposeful. Courageous. Brave. Admirable. True to myself. Unique. Deep. Insightful. Easily reads people’s true motivations. Warm. Supportive. Calm. Honest. Poetic. Elegant. Eloquent. Graceful. Dependable. Respectable. Respectful. Courteous. Polite. Considerate. Pleasant. Friendly. Genuine. Authentic. Responsible.

Visionary. Dreamer. Sensitive. Caring. Curious.