Midnight Musings.

What do I want in a friend? Who am I surrounding myself with? What am I looking for?

You shouldn’t be making friends on the basis that they’ll stroke your ego and make you feel better about yourself. They should be people who support you and push yourself to your limit; who encourage you and inspire you to be that much better; who make you feel respected.

I need to do a lot of soul searching and re-evaluating.

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Defining Myself

Who I Am
A Christian
Holy Child of God
Asian American
Chinese
Business Student
Introvert
Caregiver
Friend
Lover
Daughter
Role Model
Klutz
Academic
Intellectual
Runner
Quasi-athlete
Sinner
Reborn
Northerner
Hardworker
Softhearted
Listener
Supporter
Follower

Who I Want to Be
Leader
Inspiration
Giver
Speaker

How I’m Going to Get There
Ending the lies
Asserting my faith
Facing my fears
Ignoring the haters
Taking pride in who I am
Moving forward
Opening up my heart
Voicing my opinion
Being true to myself

Letter to Myself part 2

Dear Jennifer,

Right now, you’re sitting in your dorm room on your bed. It’s 12:37 AM, and you’re feeling itchy all over cause of something you’re allergic to — you just can’t peg it for what it is. Spring break is approaching, and it couldn’t have come soon enough. Homesickness is painfully real. You haven’t found that special group of friends yet…in fact, you don’t even know if that exists any more. You don’t know if you’ll find that group. Not because of the people here, but because of who you are trying to make yourself. 

Your heart is heavy, and your thoughts are jumbled. You’ve changed. A lot. You’ve conformed to this world, and it isn’t pretty.

You told yourself you’d never drink. Yet you have. 

You told yourself that you’d live every single day through Christ, walking in His image and doing as He would. Yet you haven’t. 

In your previous letter, you said: don’t try to be someone you’re not. 

So why are you trying? 

Let’s be real here:

I don’t like drinking.

I don’t want to go out on a Tuesday night. 

I don’t like going to bars.

I don’t like partying.

I don’t want a fake ID.

So why do I pretend that I do anyways? 

To please people. To make them think that I’m fun…that I’m cool. That I’m not your average nerdy, awkward, studious Asian. That I”m not the typical uptight, prude, and judgmental Christian. 

Every day, I ask myself…why? Why am I doing this? Why do I care about these people’s opinions? Why do I want to spend my days getting involved with these people?

But truly, deep down, I know why. 

These people won’t hold me accountable for my faith. I don’t have to do much to impress them. All I have to do is to drink alcohol with them, grind up on some guy, dance around, and drunkenly say, “Oh my god I love you so much.”

They’ll just associate their good times with me, just because I was there at that moment. 

I don’t want to get drunk. I’ve never gotten drunk. But I know the temptation is too great and I fear it.

I don’t want to lose who I am. I don’t want to become someone I’m not. 

I don’t want to lose my purity and grace that God has blessed with me. 

I want to be a role model. 

I want to be someone little girls and boys look up to. 

I want to be inspirational, carrying myself with integrity and dignity. 

I want to speak works of wisdom.

I want to embody beauty. 

I want to be unafraid in declaring who I am.

I want to represent Him and His glory. 

I don’t want to pretend any more. 

 

Get your life together, Jennifer. You’ve had it too easy lately. It’s time to take responsibility and do what’s right in His holy name. 

 

Love,

Jennifer

 

 

Letter to Myself

Recently, I got back my letter that I wrote myself during Carolina Kickoff. Here it is, transferred and launched into the expanse of the virtual world:

 

August 16, 2013

Dear Jennifer,

Right now, you’re at Carolina Kickoff. You’re feeling a little bit lost and a little bit lonely. You’re happy cause you made several acquaintances, and one genuine friend. Being away from home hasn’t completely hit you yet, but it’s slowly trickling in. Even though you’re feeling a bit down right now, keep hope in the near future — there’s great people here. You just have to find that special group of friends that you truly connect with. Remember this, and remind yourself: you’re here for a great education. This is a great institution. Don’t think of yourself above this. Don’t be bitter about what you got. Count your blessings. God will always be with you, no matter where you are. In all that you do, do what pleases Him. Love Him. Never doubt yourself or the decisions you make. But also make smart decisions. Don’t try to be someone you’re not. So yeah…my goal for this semester are:

  • To work hard
  • To play hard (smartly and moderately)
  • Get a high GPA/do the best I possibly can
  • Find a great campus fellowship
  • Make good friends
  • Call home at least a couple times a week
  • Workout and be healthy
  • Be involved in lots of clubs & activities
  • Love God and worship Him every day
  • Love yourself and stay strong

OKAY! Don’t make a fool of yourself.

 

Love,

Jennifer