Right now, you’re sitting in your dorm room on your bed. It’s 12:37 AM, and you’re feeling itchy all over cause of something you’re allergic to — you just can’t peg it for what it is. Spring break is approaching, and it couldn’t have come soon enough. Homesickness is painfully real. You haven’t found that special group of friends yet…in fact, you don’t even know if that exists any more. You don’t know if you’ll find that group. Not because of the people here, but because of who you are trying to make yourself.
Your heart is heavy, and your thoughts are jumbled. You’ve changed. A lot. You’ve conformed to this world, and it isn’t pretty.
You told yourself you’d never drink. Yet you have.
You told yourself that you’d live every single day through Christ, walking in His image and doing as He would. Yet you haven’t.
In your previous letter, you said: don’t try to be someone you’re not.
So why are you trying?
Let’s be real here:
I don’t like drinking.
I don’t want to go out on a Tuesday night.
I don’t like going to bars.
I don’t like partying.
I don’t want a fake ID.
So why do I pretend that I do anyways?
To please people. To make them think that I’m fun…that I’m cool. That I’m not your average nerdy, awkward, studious Asian. That I”m not the typical uptight, prude, and judgmental Christian.
Every day, I ask myself…why? Why am I doing this? Why do I care about these people’s opinions? Why do I want to spend my days getting involved with these people?
But truly, deep down, I know why.
These people won’t hold me accountable for my faith. I don’t have to do much to impress them. All I have to do is to drink alcohol with them, grind up on some guy, dance around, and drunkenly say, “Oh my god I love you so much.”
They’ll just associate their good times with me, just because I was there at that moment.
I don’t want to get drunk. I’ve never gotten drunk. But I know the temptation is too great and I fear it.
I don’t want to lose who I am. I don’t want to become someone I’m not.
I don’t want to lose my purity and grace that God has blessed with me.
I want to be a role model.
I want to be someone little girls and boys look up to.
I want to be inspirational, carrying myself with integrity and dignity.
I want to speak works of wisdom.
I want to embody beauty.
I want to be unafraid in declaring who I am.
I want to represent Him and His glory.
I don’t want to pretend any more.
Get your life together, Jennifer. You’ve had it too easy lately. It’s time to take responsibility and do what’s right in His holy name.