Lose Myself

My heart is just so heavy. I’m so dissatisfied with the way my life has turned out and the choices I’ve made and just the way everything has been going. I’m trying to turn myself around, but past choices have been made and they’re irreversible.

Where do I even begin…

Academics. I haven’t been meeting my potential. I haven’t been trying. I started the school year bristling with excitement, so ready to achieve a 4.0 GPA and do extracurriculars and get to know my professors and excel. Life couldn’t be more the opposite. I positively FAILED both Chemistry and Economics. FAILED. Not even myself having high standards and being an overachiever. I straight up failed. I’ve lost willpower. I don’t want to do anything. I just want to give up on everything.

Friends. Even though I’ve made plenty of good friends during my time here so far in college, there’s still distance. I still can’t  be 100% myself. I still feel myself holding myself back or faking sincerity. I still feel like I’m a burden or that I’m annoying to these people. I’m still never a priority in their lives. I still feel like I can’t express myself and be who I am. My initial happy-go-lucky, cheerful, thoughtful, and collected facade is slowly melting away. People are seeing who I really am, and it’s not something they like. But of course they’re all too polite to just abandon me…so they tolerate me. I hate it. I’d rather them just not even try to pretend to like me or want to talk to me. I’d rather they just pretend I don’t exist. Then I wouldn’t have to pretend to be someone I’m not. I wouldn’t have to pretend to be happy.

My faith. I believe in God. I believe that Jesus sacrificed himself on the cross and died for my sins. I believe that God is watching over me. I believe that there’s things He wants me to do, and things that He doesn’t want me to do. I know that. I also know that I’m consciously defying Him when I do what I do. Drinking. Laughing at offensive jokes. Skipping prayers. Skipping devotions. Giving into sinful desires. Lying. Cursing.

I want to love God. But why do I feel that God is so absent in my life now? Does it have to do with my fellowship and the people around me? Maybe I never knew God. Maybe I just thought I knew Him based on what other people had told me about Him and how they had experienced Him. But I never experienced Him. Maybe I just made up some hullabaloo in my head and just said, “Oh yes, I’ve felt God in my life, I know what He’s all about.” I don’t know. I mean, I earnestly talk to God now more than I ever have before. I read the Bible in an honest, genuine desire to know Him better. I’m attempting to search for Him more than I ever have in my past. I know that He is responsible for all the blessings and wonderful things in my life. I feel His love. But I still don’t know Him.

I am a sinner. I am a hypocrite. I have no boundaries. Nothing offends me. Even things that are at my expense don’t offend me.

In the process of trying to please everyone around me, I’ve lost myself. I’ve lost all respect for myself. All my principles and values are being compromised. I don’t know who I am anymore. My actions don’t reflect my beliefs. I’ve been able to straddle the line, presenting myself as a free, open-minded liberal yet a conservative, “faithful” Christian. These two worlds haven’t collided yet. People don’t know that I’m presenting myself as two different people. Yet.

College isn’t like the real world. Everyone knows each other. Everyone is interconnected. Your church friends know your classmates know your party-hopping buddies know your organization committee partners and it goes on and on and on. There’s only a matter of time before your name is brought up. There’s only a matter of time before you are found out. And I’m scared. Because who will I be then?

I lack courage. I lack will. I lack the strength to be bold and be myself and be firm in my beliefs. I’m a coward. I’m a fraud. And I hate myself for it.

It’s not even self-pity at this point. It’s just me hating myself for the way I’ve turned out and knowing full well why I am who I am now. It’s me being selfish and being inconsiderate and unprincipled and a sorry excuse of a human being. It’s me plateauing into mediocrity– no, not even mediocrity– into failure, and being too lazy and sinful to do anything about it.

I am disgusting.

And I know it.

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